Why You Can’t Let It Go
Keys to Reaching True Forgiveness
Forgiving someone can be an incredibly difficult journey, fraught with emotional turmoil and inner conflict. We often struggle with the weight of resentment, especially when the offender shows little to no remorse. The pain caused by their actions can linger, making it challenging to move forward. However, clinging to bitterness keeps us tied to the offense and can create even more issues in our lives, such as increased stress, strained relationships, and a diminished sense of well-being. So, how do we truly forgive and set ourselves free from this burden?
At its core, forgiveness is the process of releasing the hold that the offense has on us. Psychologists often define forgiveness as becoming less motivated to hold onto negative emotions toward the person who wronged us. It’s not about forgetting the harm done, but about reaching a point where thinking of the person no longer brings up a flood of anger or hurt. True forgiveness allows us to think of the individual with neutrality—perhaps even kindness—without the emotional sting of the past.
A team of psychological researchers conducted a study on the forgiveness process and uncovered some intriguing insights. They identified two distinct types of forgiveness: decisional forgiveness and emotional forgiveness. Often, we find ourselves stuck in a counterfeit forgiveness, without even realizing it!
Decisional v. Emotional Forgiveness
When decisional forgiveness occurs, we consciously choose to release the offender and let go of any desire for revenge. However, this form of forgiveness can often feel superficial; it’s possible to still harbor resentment even after making this mental decision. Researchers aptly refer to this phenomenon as “hollow forgiveness.” Can you relate?
In contrast, emotional forgiveness operates on a deeper level. It involves letting go of negative emotions and replacing them with neutral or even positive feelings toward the offender. While we may not forget the offense, emotional forgiveness allows us to release our harsh judgments about the individual, freeing us from the sting of the hurt
In one study on forgiveness, researchers had participants read a hypothetical scenario about a self-serving woman who abandoned her colleagues on a project and then took credit for all of their hard work in a highly anticipated work meeting. Afterward, the participants were asked to describe the woman using a list of words that varied in severity. Unsurprisingly, most chose harsh descriptors.
The participants were then divided into groups and given different instructions on how to approach forgiveness toward the hypothetical offender. When they were brought back later, those instructed to replace their negative thoughts with positive thoughts, empathy, and well-wishes for the woman selected much more favorable words during their second evaluation of her. In contrast, the group simply instructed to try to decide to forgive the woman had maintained their same harsh view of her as before.
This study illustrates that individuals who intentionally replace negative thoughts with positive ones can truly release an offender and emotionally forgive them in their minds.
Letting Go: The Essence of True Forgiveness
The type of forgiveness described in the Bible is emotional forgiveness, which involves releasing the offender by letting go of our judgments against them. When God forgives our sins, He chooses not to remember them anymore.
Similarly, He calls us to extend this kind of forgiveness to others. This form of forgiveness allows us to emotionally disentangle ourselves from an offense by intentionally replacing our negative judgments with neutral or even positive thoughts.
Alexandra Asseily, a witness to the Lebanese civil war from 1975 to 1991, stated in the documentary The Power of Forgiveness that “forgiveness allows us to let go of the pain and the memory; we can have the memory, but it does not control us.” Emotional forgiveness truly has the power to set us free!
However, research has identified one significant obstacle that consistently hinders our ability to achieve this emotional forgiveness.
Rumination: the barrier to forgiveness
The primary hindrance that keeps us from reaching emotional forgiveness is rumination! When we ruminate about an offense – continually replaying it like a movie in our mind – we only become more hostile and aggressive towards an offender over time. By fixating on negative experiences and mentally repeating them over and over again in our minds, we make it difficult to move past the offense to a place of healing. It may feel comforting for us to replay everything in our minds and build a solid case to justify our anger, but ruminating is a mental trap that will only keep us bitter, unforgiving, and prone to anxiety and depression!
Even if we’ve made the decision to forgive, allowing ourselves to ruminate can inadvertently sabotage our efforts, trapping well-intentioned individuals in a cycle of hollow forgiveness.
Steps to true emotional forgiveness
So, how can we truly reach a state of true, emotional forgiveness? Below are three steps we can take to set ourselves (and others) free!
Step 1: Decide to Forgive the Offender
Forgiving someone can feel like climbing a steep mountain for many of us. Our natural instinct often tells us that those who hurt us should face consequences, and it’s easy to hold onto those feelings of hurt and resentment. But God invites us to let go of that burden and forgive others, just as He has forgiven us. For this reason, deciding to forgive someone is the first step to truly walking in forgiveness.
If the thought of forgiving feels overwhelming, it’s okay to admit that. Talk to God about your feelings—ask Him to help soften your heart and give you the strength to choose forgiveness. Remember, forgiving isn’t just about the other person; it’s an act of obedience to God that ultimately frees us from the weight of anger and bitterness. It’s a step towards healing and peace in our own lives.
This step can be incredibly difficult, especially when the offense against us has been truly horrific. If you’ve experienced abuse, getting to a place where you feel ready to forgive can seem like an insurmountable challenge. Yet it’s important to realize that holding onto unforgiveness only allows the offender to maintain power and influence over our lives. We end up allowing them to hurt us repeatedly in our minds, remaining trapped by the pain of our past.
With the Lord’s guidance, it may be time to break free from this cycle. Imagine laying down that burden at the feet of Jesus, trusting Him to bring justice and healing—rather than feeling like you have to carry it alone. God is offering us peace and release from the grip of those past wounds if we will give these burdens to Him!
Once we decide to forgive, it can be helpful to pause and pray, taking a moment to release the person from any obligation to make things right. This means truly letting go in our hearts and minds. We can ask God to help us forgive and to cleanse our hearts of any lingering bitterness. This process of decisional forgiveness is a crucial first step; it sets the stage for the deeper emotional forgiveness that will come later. This step may take some time, but remember—every small step you take toward forgiveness is a step toward your own healing!
Step 2: Be on Guard Against Rumination
It’s so easy to get stuck in a cycle of overthinking, where we keep replaying past hurts in our minds. This kind of rumination can trap us in a shallow state of forgiveness, making it hard to move on. However, we must be aware that Satan is the “Accuser of the brethren” and accuses them before God, day and night. Rumination is his territory! Every time we mentally entertain repeating thoughts of judgment and bitterness towards someone, we are agreeing with this accuser and giving him influence over our thoughts. When granted access to our minds, he will not hesitate to flood us with even more accusing thoughts to get us locked into a pattern of rumination.
From a scientific perspective, every time we ruminate, or entertain certain accusations in our minds, a connection forms between the neurons in our brains that lights up to form a neural pathway. Over time, this neural pathway can become so engrained and “well-traveled” by neurons through repeated use (thoughts), that it becomes one of the preferred pathways that our brains will automatically use in certain situations. This is known as a strong neural pathway, and it is something that is difficult to reverse unless we intentionally train our minds to form a new pathway based on different thoughts.
This means we can easily form a habit of overthinking every time someone hurts us. The enemy is aware of how our minds work and will try to use this to his advantage. We can’t let him get a foothold!
We can break this cycle by deciding to stop partnering with the Accuser and taking each thought captive. It won’t be easy at first—we might find ourselves slipping back into old habits. But when we find ourselves stuck in that loop, it’s crucial to shift our focus away from replaying the hurt. Remember, we should ask the Lord for the grace to help us overcome this habit and take back the ground that we’ve given to the ememy!
Step 3: Focus on the right things
If I told you not to think about yellow cars, you’d probably picture one right away, no matter how hard you tried not to! When it comes to our thoughts, there’s no such thing as “negative space.” You can’t simply stop thinking about something—there will always be some thought occupying your mind. If you focus solely on trying not to think about something negative, you end up doing the opposite and thinking about it even more. It can be exhausting, right? Without realizing this, we often struggle to control the intrusive, bitter thoughts that creep in.
The only way to break free from this cycle is to replace those negative thoughts with something positive. As Christians, we can redirect our focus to the Truths of God. This shift helps us move our attention away from what we can’t change and instead center it on God and His presence in our lives! One great way to do this is to consistently spend time in His Word!
Developing the habit of regularly spending time with the Lord and allowing Him to speak to us through His Word can help us to break out of cycle of rumination in our minds and keep us filled with His protective Truth! A study conducted by The Center for Bible Engagement studied over 400,000 Americans and found that those who read their Bibles 4 or more times per week grew more in their faith, experienced greater ability forgive others, were less likely to feel isolated, and had an increase in feelings of joy, peace, and purpose in life! (https://bttbfiles.com/web/docs/cbe/Scientific_Evidence_for_the_Power_of_4.pdf)
When we are diligent about focusing on honorable things, we will find our minds guarded by God’s peace as the reality of His love and goodness sinks into our hearts. This renewal of our minds causes us to grow more sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s presence in our lives. Afterwards, when we slip back into overthinking an offense, we will instinctively sense His peace fading as we recognize the enemy’s traps for what they are.
Over time, if we choose forgiveness and guard our minds against rumination by focusing on the Lord and all that He’s done for us, we’ll find that we are more easily able to move to a state of true, emotional forgiveness towards those who have offended us. This process not only frees us from the weight of past offenses but also allows us to wish our offenders well, hoping they too can experience the incredible love of God that has transformed our own lives.
Hi! I’m Bebe!
I’m dedicated to helping believers walk in the freedom that comes from renewing their minds in partnership with God. With a background in psychology and a deep love for scripture, I help bridge the gap between spiritual growth and practical mental health strategies. Check out our podcast, videos, and other resources and join me on this journey as we explore how to truly unlock the peace of God in our lives!
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